Equation of LOVE

Love is the purest feeling that exists in the world; something that has the ability to heal and cure; has the power to give life; has the ability to empower and nourish. For most of us love is about a deep connect with someone on a physical and mental level. On a practical thought, doesn't love give us pain on separation with a loved person or thing? Also, the phrase 'love hurts' has been used vulgarly without understanding the fact that love is beautiful.

Love is a feeling meant to give us warmth, positivism and pleasure but according to 'love hurts' love also gives us agony, restlessness and discomfort. Hence, we cannot say that real love is the one that hurts.

Our default thinking of love is:

LOVE = PLEASURE + PAIN

Now, how we derive pleasure differs from person to person. Pleasure is nothing permanent but temporary which will make the feeling of love also temporary. On, a deeper level, pleasure can be defined as:

PLEASURE = VANITY + ARROGANCE + CRITICISM + BOASTING + JUNK FOOD + SEX + SADISM

Also, pain is derived in the process of love which may be due to numerous components causing it such as:

PAIN = FEAR + IMPATIENCE + ATTACHMENT + EXPECTATIONS 

Therefore on combining equations of pleasure and pain we get;

LOVE = VANITY + ARROGANCE + CRITICISM + BOASTING + JUNK FOOD + SEX + SADISM + FEAR + IMPATIENCE + ATTACHMENT + EXPECTATIONS 

Vanity is nothing but loving your achievements or looks and enhancing them with grooming, make up etc to look better as per someone else's standards and constantly rotating in this quest. This feeling simply provokes us to continually be in competence with others; loosing our peace for something which is not permanent as one's body changes each moment. Exaggerated sense of self importance i.e. arrogance is vanity's brother which makes you belittle others. This makes them hold grudges against you and change their attitude towards you forever. Thereafter, the same is brought to us and we don't like it. Also, singing about your achievements, your looks, your possessions or property is nothing but boasting which really doesn't help in the long run. Some people have a habit of going on singing their 'so called victory tales' which interests no one!

Further, we love finding faults in others which begets the negative energy to us. Also, criticism has never ever won us anything. We must think from the alternate aspect i.e. opposite of criticism  which is appreciation and appreciate people and things around us. For instance, a spot like a pimple on your face spoils its perfection but if you continually think about it instead of ignoring it; you might end up scratching it and worsening the situation.

Loading oneself with junk is inviting excess fat and then later cribbing about the same is certainly something that can be avoided by switching to the right foods. Excess sugar puts strain on the digestive system and how long can one take that? Hence, diseases. 

Sex is a physical need and gives temporary pleasure. It is one exercise that pulls us to repeat its performance and crave for more. It could be seen as a controllable desire but not love. Fear makes you crib, live in the past,  develop over-eating habits, stress and even depression. Using fear as a motivation is a terrible tool for a good life.

Impatience, the mother of resistance makes us nervous and effects our body adversely by secreting hormones which are not good in excess for our body in the long run. It makes us loose energy without a purpose.

We attach to people and things thinking that they will remain with us if we care, cherish or nurture them always. But, when we lose the loved ones or things we call our own like our watch, house, gold or anything we feel emotions beyond our control. Thus, endearment gives us pain instead of love.

As far as expectations are concerned; everyone expects, whether its a parent expecting a child to perform well and grow up to take care of them; an investor expecting the investment to give unrealistic returns. We expect love in turn for love we give to others and when they don't revert; we feel bad, ignored or even resentful. Love isn't actually about give and take.

True Love Understood

If we carefully understand, we will notice that the over-hyped emotion called love is a fragile collection of feelings such as expectations, imaginations etc. The entire love game we have believed in for years of our life hasn’t grown up to be about selflessness or dedication but about desires, expectations, sex and other objects.

Firstly, love these days has been based upon for our expectations from others. Our world consists of two things i.e. the real physical world and the imaginary world. What happens between two people i.e. face to face or telephonic interaction is the real physical world. It is the world where two people communicate or express their emotions to each other. Things are clear between them because each one is vocal or at least drops hints for others to pick up and complete. The world actually only operates in the real physical world and not the imaginary world which is unique to everyone.

The imaginary world is where we build our large castles, there is a prince and a princess, a villain or vamp; there are hearts, rainbows, chariots and wealth; with everything in place and is according to our customization. But the bitter reality is that, when the real physical world and imaginary world are combined, we build expectations. Thus, love becomes interaction about which the other person is aware as well as expectations about which the other person is unaware. This person has no idea about what we expect from them and we blame them for not loving us anymore. We say they have changed whereas it is our horizons of expectations that have germinated and expanded at a pace that only we know. When our ‘imagined’ expectations are not completed we feel hurt; feel unloved and blame love for the pains it brings with itself.

Secondly, love has been perceived to be not about selflessness but being dependent. Our dependence is to make others dance to our tunes for us to love or accept them. We all have choices, don’t we? Life gives a thousand chances to us to change and accept others before it takes them away.  Parents ridicule and hate their child for not choosing a particular course or stream which they think is best for their children. Thus, their love is dependent on their child’s willingness and ability to fulfill their wish rather expectation. Parents who expect their children to outperform; do not let them take their own decisions end up losing their children’s trust and thus children lose trust in their parents and themselves.

Wives hate their husbands if they do not adhere to their desires, wants and needs. Husbands hate their wives for exercising excessive control over them. When wives overdo care or control, husbands crave for freedom and thus, infidelity comes into picture. Children blame their parents for the luxuries, parents can’t afford for them.

Love has become about not accepting people freely. Why don’t we accept others as they are, if we really love them? It is because we expect others to weave their nest and lives in and around our wishes, desires and expectations. We want to tailor, customize and fit people’s choices, appearances etc in our designer boutique of expectations in the name of their welfare. Is that really our love for them?

Why do people who make different or say exemplary choices suffer with loneliness? Just because they stand up for their expectations of themselves and want to give life a direction of their own rather than following a direction of expectations designed by someone else. They are not attached to someone’s view, desires or choices for them.

Thirdly, we suppose love makes us sacrifice. But, what is love if it makes us sacrifice for other’s temporary happiness? What is the point of giving up a cherished career for a romantic relation which exists today but may not last for a lifetime? We always want others to adjust around us; giving up their career plans, movement plans, life paths, spiritual journeys, investment plans etc but are we willing to change according to other’s needs without feeling any discomfort? How fluid are we to adjust that we expect fluidity from others? We all are rigid in our own molds of definitions, beliefs and attitudes towards everything.

Love is about letting the other person know what you want from them freely and then giving them a choice whether to do it or not. Love is not about expecting but accepting the other person with their flaws, choices, weaknesses and mistakes without having a sense of greatness, pride or favor within. 

Love is not about forcing another person but about not expecting them to perform as you wish. Love is about leaving others free and untied. Love exists when one gives up something at their will, without having to express the pain or discomfort of giving up.

That is love for you!

The Equation of CHANGE

Change is inevitable. Management policies to hierarchy; children’s needs and demands; behavior and attitude and inputs of relations change and transform over time, mature and age demanding us to react or adapt accordingly. Often we notice when we stay in a fixed position, we start to get comfortable in it and hence starts stagnation. On a practical front when a person eats food but does not want to let go of waste, the waste accumulates in the intestines; harms the overall digestive system; gives birth to numerous parasites and diseases but if the same waste is allowed to go, the same body remains fit.

The only rule of nature is that change is inevitable i.e. unavoidable and constant. When a baby is born it is extremely tiny but gradually it changes as new cells are produced and old ones perish to form a child, then adult, finally elder and continues to change till it perishes one final day. When our body is not a constant how can anything may it be wealth, health, success, relations, marriage etc be constant?

But, our nature is to avoid the changes calling them unnecessary and uncomfortable just like a frog that boils in the water of its well but doesn’t leave the utensil when the temperature of water is made to rise. Thus, change is a combination of avoidance, fear i.e. resistance and effort required to adapt to it.

A student progress is year by year academically. Thus, her ability to understand and grasp variety of subjects increases over time. But, if she is resistant i.e. unwilling to study or lack of desire to grasp new subjects; failure or say dismal academic performance follows because she is not willing to change and accept. Similarly if you leave an investment ignored for long there may be three outcomes; either the return would have increase manifolds or the return would have dropped drastically or there might have been a high point of return bringing back the investment to low returns. Hence, our primary and default equation is:

Change = Resistance + Effort

Let us now draw 2 postulates:
1.Positive emotions are absorbed in the process of change
2.Negative emotions need replacement for correct change.

Resistance is the feeling of discomfort experienced on adapting or noticing changes made around. You might notice how bank employees react to policy changes or how public reacts to fiscal or monetary policy of the government due to loss of their security called insecurity.

In some cases you might notice that people want to speed-up or accelerate the process so that things pass quickly so that their inner resistance doesn’t get to know i.e. fear from change. There is insecurity that what is existing might ease or increase uncontrollably on a deeper level. Resistance exists because people fear how they’ll adapt to new things, rules or situation. They don’t want to let go and feel secure in the current situation. There are scared of accepting something new that has not been explored already by them. This leads to negativity; a need for willingness to rewrite their reality and stretch one’s comfort zone.

Resistance = Discomfort + Fear + Insecurity + Inertia + Pain

Effort = Sincerity + Faith + Dynamic Attitude

When we come to components, we would notice that since our childhood we have been taught and told to be sincere in our efforts i.e. efforts without short cuts and cheat codes. Sincerity in efforts is said to make the process of reaching the goal easier. Our goal here is adapting to change and sincerity ensures purity in effort. One has to have faith in the process that takes in life and detach from the past. One needs to gather all energy to develop, maintain and regenerate a dynamic attitude within. A dynamic person gets out of his comfort zone easily and experiences the new zone to achieve something valuable.

Once upon a time, there were two professors; both in their fifties, successful and loved by students at a prestigious university. One of the professor, ‘A’ had a habit of preparing fresh notes year after year, day after day for his lectures and classes whereas professor ‘B’ relied on age old notes for years; changing them once in few years. One day suddenly there was a course change that led professors baffled. Professor A adapted to this change as he was dynamic ever since which made him secure, persistent, comfortable and free from fear and inertia. Whereas, professor B went crazy and took time to adapt to the change which not only affected his popularity and performance but also the quality of his teaching due to inertia and fear of the new.

As parents we believe that in order to discipline our children we must impose time tables on them after school so that they remain focused but when do we teach them adapting to changes. Resistance must be dealt with during childhood right from weather to other small things. If the roots are grounded well, the tree is bound to grow strong.

If you carefully notice, every financial concern or business operates in an open to change environment that consists of political, economic, social, technological, environmental and legal forces. A political interference affecting the company may reduce the value of its shares, a new law may increase or reduce your return; a technological progress or social improvement can reward your investment or leave the company behind due to its productivity or latent attitude. We can only deal with it if we are active, open and willing to face changes.

Relationships change and mature over time. A major change that takes place is movement or expiry of people. A lot of people cry, feel left out or emotional due to attachments or sentiments but the real villain is resistance to change and preparedness to let go of a near and dear one. Hence for any successful change, let us subtract resistance from effort to make this a corrected equation.

Change = Sincerity + Faith + Dynamic Actions – (Discomfort + Fear + Insecurity + Inertia + Pain)

1.Since, sincerity, faith and dynamic actions are positive emotions and efforts that get absorbed.
2.Components of resistance are negative and need replacement
3.Inertia, fear and insecurity need to be replaced by willingness to change and persistence; so that we get adapted and security is built over time.
4.Discomfort must be replaced with adjustment and accommodating behavior
5.When inertia, fear, insecurity and discomfort are dealt with, pain simply evaporates.
6.Insecurity and fear and be relieved by exercise, concentration building, team exercises and meditation.

Equation of FAILURE

Failure is the gap between Expectations & Achievements

For ages we have been taught to build benchmarks and goals in our life. These goals range from returns on our investments, children’s academic or co-curricular performances; never-ending support and love from relationships or objectives and ambitions such as increased wealth or happiness. All these standards that we define are our expectations coming out of our actions, efforts or instructions, from ourselves or from others in the presence of internal and external stimuli that are controllable and uncontrollable. These benchmarks and standards are nurtured and often poisoned with attachment and other emotions.

Once we define our goals, we strive towards attainment for the sake of our satisfaction. For instance, parents motivate, teach, monitor and instruct their children to study and score well in examinations; investments and share prices are tracked to avail best selling prices or premiums; relations are built by immense care, affection, attention, value, feelings and efforts over time to attain a certain status as promising or not promising etc; we people work upon ourselves with goals like bank balance targets, personality development, performance in meetings, level of charisma or confidence cultivation etc. These all form our expectations that are constructed in the presence of controllable as well as uncontrollable factors. Therefore, our default equation becomes:

Thus, FAILURE = EXPECTATIONS - ACHIEVEMENTS

Before we go on to decoding the equation, let us make a few postulates or assumptions.
1.Nothing in the process of life is constant or permanent.
2.Not everything is controllable.
3.Attachment is never positive.
4.All positives are absorbed by the Supreme in the process.
5.Emotions are both positive and negative.
6.Conditions lead to disappointment.

Now, when we all really want to achieve a particular goal, we attach energy, conditional or unconditional attachment for accomplishment. We also add emotions to targets and thus the equation of expectations becomes:

EXPECTATION= TARGET + EMOTIONS (Positive & Negative) + ATTACHMENT

Coming to the achievement aspect, we invest a lot of hope, effort, energy and sincerity.  Thus the achievement or result becomes:

ACHIEVEMENT= HOPE + EFFORT + ENERGY + SINCERITY

When absent, hope becomes hopelessness; effort becomes laziness; energy is conserved and sincerity is replaced by insincerity. Sincerity means dedication to the target whether Conditional or unconditional.

Now subtracting ACHIEVEMENT from EXPECTATION;

E - A = TARGET + EMOTIONS + ATTACHMENT – (HOPE + EFFORT + ENERGY + SINCERITY)

The result comes in the following manner:

1.To fulfill targets, effort and energy get used up to give some achievement because there is zero achievement without efforts and energy. 

2.Since, emotions are positive as well as negative and positive emotions are absorbed in the process, hope and sincerity get absorbed and what remains are negative emotions.

3.The negative emotions that remain like sediments are residue insincerity, disappointment, sorrow and attachment from expectations that combine together to form a misery house called failure.

Further, we can take failure in two different ways, positively or negatively. If we kick off negativity in the form of attachment and replace it with love for our work, child, self or money; we are in for positive dealing with failures. But, if we take failures to ego and then perform sourcing from a negative outcome towards a positive outcome, our achievement may not be iterated over time and be a one-time wonder. Thus we must take responsibility for failure and ensure that the components of our main equations are more positive than negative.

On a deeper note, our life depends a lot on how we deal with failures. Some people are persistent while some are escapists who end up failing consistently and end up trying in the long run leaving no space for success. Thus, to bring success, expectations must be replaced with targets, sincerity and hope but not attachment or emotions. Thus, 

SUCCESS= TARGETS + HOPE + SINCERITY + ENERGY + EFFORT

Now, hope and sincerity will be absorbed in the process and targets will be achieved with energy and effort. Also, success will be achieved only when targets are less or equivalent to energy and effort. If targets are greater than energy and effort failure will arise again!